Startled by the sudden tap on his head, Yan Yihuan was instantly on high alert. What did the Emperor mean by this? The imperial will was not something he dared to speculate on. In plays, those who tried to guess the Emperor’s intentions always ended up dragged out and beheaded.
At the thought, Yan Yihuan jolted in alarm. His previously chaotic mind cleared instantly, as if a ray of light had pierced through.
As Grand Historian, he had heard plenty about the war in the northwest and King Wei’s affairs. He also knew his father and brother were at King Qin’s side, so the Emperor’s intention in remaining “gravely ill” and absent was not hard to guess.
Now that King Wei had formally raised troops in rebellion, King Qin could not possibly remain idle. That meant the Yan family’s treason was in fact no secret, and the Emperor had probably seen through it long ago.
Yan Yihuan’s face turned somewhat pale. He remembered his second brother’s words, telling him to forget everything and never show panic before the Emperor. He did not want to, but how could something like this be controlled by will alone?
“You’re usually quite talkative. Why is it that when I ask you something now, you refuse to answer?” Li Xuanming noticed his fear and helplessness, and felt puzzled instead.
As far as he knew, King Yan had always kept Yan Yihuan away from anything related to court affairs. To avoid frightening him, discussions in front of him always avoided mentioning King Yan. Why was he so nervous then?
Thinking of this, Li Xuanming hooked a finger under Yan Yihuan’s chin, lifting the face he had stubbornly kept lowered. With his face tilted up, every subtle expression was impossible to hide.
Yan Yihuan froze, then almost instinctively, he found those all-too-familiar lips and kissed them. But his usual trick clearly did not work today.
His vision blurred. Although the warmth of those lips still lingered, he had already been pulled away. Long, strong fingers pressed lightly against his lips, sealing them. The man before him held a trace of helplessness in his eyes, yet also a firmness that allowed no retreat.
“What are you feeling guilty about?”
This is bad. Yan Yihuan cried inwardly. He had long known this day would come, but he hadn’t expected it to be so sudden. His gaze darted away, but his mouth remained stubborn.
“What do you mean by feeling guilty? Can’t I just want to do it now?”
“Hm? Are you sure?” The corners of Li Xuanming’s lips curved slightly. That faint smile made Yan Yihuan’s heart tremble, reminding him of last night’s intoxicating moments and of the ache still lingering through his body.
“It’s not that… Now I don’t feel like doing it anymore.”
“If you don’t want to anymore, then speak honestly. What have you been brooding over lately, tossing and turning, unable to sleep?” The Emperor’s already fleeting smile disappeared completely. Yan Yihuan was terrified. He shook his head and forced out a smile,
“I’m just worried about reporting for my duties.”
“Yihuan, I have made myself very clear to you long ago. Although I don’t expect a response, I do hope you can be honest with me.” Li Xuanming knew he was timid, and only wished he could be fearless in front of him. “Do you know why I insist on keeping you by my side?”
Yan Yihuan gently shook his head. He truly did not understand.
In terms of talent, he had none. As for looks, although he thought himself decent enough, compared with the emperor, he felt utterly inferior. Maybe… maybe it was just that they were quite compatible in that matter…
But Yan Yihuan knew that was no reason at all. This was the Emperor. If he wanted someone, who could he not have? So why him?
He shook his head without the slightest hesitation. Li Xuanming only smiled faintly. Rather than agonizing every time he failed to understand, it was better to simply accept it openly. That way, even if that lost fragment of soul could never be recovered, it would not matter.
He was the Emperor. Even if he forcibly kept him locked by his side for a lifetime, so what? Yan Yihuan did not need to understand. He only needed to know he belonged to him alone. That was enough.
“I never wanted to talk to you about these court matters, but unfortunately, we can’t avoid them.”
Yan Yihuan’s pupils tightened slightly. He understood what lay behind those words. After avoiding this for so long, was the Emperor truly going to speak plainly with him now?
Yan Yihuan’s lips twitched slightly, but he dared not answer. He only lowered his lashes, his gaze deliberately falling on Li Xuanming’s wrist, avoiding the dragon patterns within sight that were enough to proclaim his status.
“My imperial father did not have many sons to begin with. Because he was always concerned with so-called benevolence and fairness, the royal princes remained evenly matched, and because he named the second prince Crown Prince, it led to that struggle for succession.
“Perhaps I should count myself fortunate. At the time I had not yet come of age, so I had no separate estate and no personal troops, so I escaped that calamity. But having been born into the imperial family, how could there be only one calamity?
“Everyone thought that even if I became Crown Prince, inheriting the throne would take decades. They believed they had ample time to pull me down, whether through exile or execution. In any case, they thought I would never truly become Emperor.”
A faint ache stirred in Yan Yihuan’s chest. He froze, unconsciously pressing a hand to his heart. Why was it starting again? But at this moment, that slight pain meant little. He stayed silent and listened.
“Since I became Crown Prince, I could not simply wait for death. Although my imperial father had few sons left, my uncles and brothers were in their prime. I had no choice but to be wary.”
“So…” Yan Yihuan’s voice trembled slightly. His heart pounded like a drum, and he could even feel his ears burning with tension, “Your Majesty went to the Residence of King Yan back then because of this too?”
“Yes. The Yan family had been loyal for generations and held considerable military power, so how King Yan thought was of utmost importance to me.” Li Xuanming’s voice remained calm and even. He no longer forced Yan Yihuan to face him, allowing him to keep his head lowered, only brushing the hair by his cheek lightly with the back of his fingers. “It was meant to be an ordinary test, but you became the only variable.”
“Ah…”
Memories surged over him like a tide, and Yan Yihuan remembered that all of this had, in truth, begun because of himself.
“Then let me ask you something you can answer.” There was a trace of expectation in Li Xuanming’s voice, one even he himself did not notice. “Why were you so attached to me back then? Was it only because of my face?”
Right, why?
In the beginning, it was indeed because of his appearance, but he was the famously carefree Third Young Master Yan of Linjing. How could he have become fixated on someone uninterested in him, especially when that person was an imperial envoy?
“No…” Yan Yihuan shook his head, confusion already in his tone. “I don’t know either. I just felt I couldn’t look away from the first sight of you. If anyone else had treated me so coldly, I would have found someone else long ago.
“But back then I was set on getting close to you. Even brushing against your sleeve could make me happy for half a day.”
At the time, all he wanted was for this person to belong to him. Even rejection and indifference did not matter.
“After Your Majesty left, I was miserable for a long time. I even stopped going out drinking. My second brother said I had lovesickness, and I even got into a fight with him over it.”
“Lovesickness?” Li Xuanming laughed softly. That singular word was like medicine, instantly sweeping away the gloom shrouding his heart. Even the sunlight outside the window seemed to penetrate his body and shine directly into his heart. “Hearing you say this is enough.”
How was that enough? He had only reminisced about the past. He had not yet even spoken of how loyal the Yan family was, nor put in a good word for his father and brother. Why was he already being stopped from speaking?
“The human heart is hard to fathom. No matter what King Yan promised me back then, I could never fully trust it.” Li Xuanming drew closer and pulled him into his arms, and Yan Yihuan took a deep breath. The gentle embrace made him melt into softness, and he closed his eyes.
“So, Yihuan, I had to take you out of the Residence of King Yan. That way, no matter what happened in the future, it would have nothing to do with you.”
