YPHC Chapter 81

Yan Jie was a bit confused.

 

He hadn’t expected Jiang Nan’an to have such a strong reaction to this matter.

 

Eagerly sharing happy and anticipated news with a lover, only to receive such a response-even someone with the best temperament would feel a disconnect and hurt, but Yan Jie didn’t have time to worry about that now.

 

Because he knew Jiang Nan’an’s current state was very wrong.

 

“What’s wrong, baby?”

 

Yan Jie softened his voice to comfort him, raising his hand to stroke Jiang Nan’an’s hair, but was avoided.

 

“Is it because you feel it’s too fast, or what? If you feel something’s wrong, can you tell me?”

 

“…It’s not your problem, it’s mine.”

 

Jiang Nan’an took a breath, head lowered, his voice a bit hoarse:

 

“If you’re really looking forward to this, I can only tell you that I can’t do it. I can’t do it now, and probably won’t be able to in the future either.”

 

“It’s okay, no rush, it’s fine. What’s the big deal?” Yan Jie tried to make his tone sound as gentle as possible:

 

“This is just a suggestion, it’s okay if you don’t want to do it, the choice is yours. I don’t want to do anything that hurts you, baby. If something I said made you uncomfortable, could you tell me? I’ll listen carefully and communicate with you seriously. Just please don’t casually say we should break up, okay? That would hurt me.”

 

“I’m sorry… it’s not your problem.” Jiang Nan’an covered his eyes with his hand, murmuring repeatedly:

 

“I’m different from you, Yan Jie, you don’t understand, we’re different…”

 

“What’s wrong? What do you think is the problem?”

 

“I…” Jiang Nan’an’s voice faltered, he bit his lip and didn’t continue.

 

He breathed heavily, and after a long while finally said:

 

“I don’t need any parents, and I don’t need any family… I can’t do what you’re expecting, and I can’t become the person you hope for…”

 

For some reason, Jiang Nan’an’s emotions became increasingly agitated, until he was almost shouting.

 

Except in his acting roles, Yan Jie had never seen him with such intense emotional fluctuations:

 

“…I don’t need it, I don’t need it! Yan Jie! I already told you I’m different from what you think. You said you liked me without knowing anything, and now? Do you know now? Do you know how troublesome I am?! I’m not as good as you think, don’t have any expectations of me. I don’t want your parents! I don’t want your family! I don’t need any of it!! I don’t want to disappoint you, but I really can’t do it!! Can’t you understand? I can’t!!”

 

Jiang Nan’an was too agitated. Yan Jie tried to grab his hand, but was forcefully pushed away.

 

The movement was so strong that Jiang Nan’an knocked over the coffee cup at the edge of the counter. The porcelain cup fell from the table, shattered on the floor, making a breaking sound.

 

The shattering sound was particularly jarring in the room.

 

Jiang Nan’an seemed startled by the noise, visibly flinching.

 

He widened his eyes slightly, looking at the broken pieces on the floor, his lips slowly pressing together, a flash of something like disgust in his eyes.

 

The next second, he raised his hand and hit his own head, forcefully grabbing his hair.

 

“Hey-” Yan Jie was startled.

 

He quickly went over and hugged Jiang Nan’an:

 

“Don’t do that, don’t do that, Nan Nan… I’m sorry, it’s my fault, it’s my fault. Let’s not mention it again, okay? Don’t hurt yourself… Take it easy, take it easy…”

 

Jiang Nan’an’s eyes were red, with bloodshot pupils.

 

He was breathing heavily, leaning against Yan Jie, his arms unconsciously wrapped around his abdomen, tightly gripping the fabric at his waist, as if enduring some tremendous pain.

 

He listened to Yan Jie’s soothing voice and only calmed down after a good while:

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to be like this… I’m sorry…”

 

“It’s okay, don’t rush, it’s not your fault. Take your time if you want to say something.” Yan Jie patted his back as if comforting a child.

 

“Your parents… they must be very good people, just like you, very similar to you… But I, but I…”

 

Jiang Nan’an was somewhat incoherent, talking for a long time without knowing exactly what he wanted to express.

 

Seeing him like this, Yan Jie’s heart ached terribly, but he didn’t know why Jiang Nan’an was behaving this way, didn’t know what caused his emotional breakdown. Randomly guessing might trigger him again, so for now, all he could do was comfort him.

 

“It’s not your fault, baby, you didn’t want this either. I know… Are you feeling better now?”

 

Jiang Nan’an responded very softly.

 

Yan Jie then released him, touching his face:

 

“So I’ll let you go now? Sit here and don’t move.”

 

Jiang Nan’an nodded.

 

Yan Jie smiled at him, stroked his hair again, and stepped away from the bar counter.

 

As Yan Jie instructed, Jiang Nan’an obediently sat on the stool. His emotions were much calmer than before, as if the person who had been hysterically raving earlier wasn’t him.

 

He lowered his eyes, seeming a bit absent-minded.

 

After a moment, his gaze fell on the broken pieces of the porcelain cup on the floor. He pressed his lips together, silently got up from the stool, and without much hesitation, knelt down and began picking up the pieces one by one.

 

The white porcelain pieces stained with coffee lay piled in his palm. Jiang Nan’an looked down at them, seeming a bit dazed, and slowly closed his fingers.

 

But the next second, Yan Jie’s voice suddenly rang out:

 

“Hey, why are you picking them up with your hands?”

 

Yan Jie returned with a broom, only to see Jiang Nan’an crouching on the floor picking up the broken pieces.

 

He was startled and quickly went over to pull him up:

 

“Don’t hurt yourself, get up quickly.”

 

“…” Jiang Nan’an looked at him, then at the broken pieces in his hand, and held them out to him.

 

“Why give them to me? Put them in here! Be careful, don’t let those things cut you, it hurts.”

 

Yan Jie brought over a trash can, indicating for him to throw them in, then grabbed his hand to check for any injuries.

 

Jiang Nan’an’s hands were very white and cold. The broken porcelain hadn’t cut his hand, but looking at it, Yan Jie noticed something else-

 

Jiang Nan’an’s hands had many faint, small scars.

 

He first discovered them on the night Jiang Nan’an was hospitalized with a high fever, when he was wiping alcohol on Jiang Nan’an’s hands. But until today, he still didn’t know why there were so many small scars on his hands, or what could have caused them.

 

Now it seemed…

 

Yan Jie’s expression paused, he looked up at Jiang Nan’an, his expression somewhat complex.

 

“Why pick them up with your hands? Use a broom.”

 

He released Jiang Nan’an’s hand naturally, his tone casual.

 

“Oh,” Jiang Nan’an slowly curled his fingers:

 

“…I forgot.”

 

“How could you forget that?” Yan Jie chuckled, not asking further, just pushing Jiang Nan’an back onto the stool to sit properly. He then took the tools and swept away the remaining broken pieces, and mopped up the spilled coffee on the floor.

 

After that, he walked over, put his arm around Jiang Nan’an’s waist, lowered his head to look at the small marks of kisses on his fair neck, and kissed the top of his head:

 

“How are you feeling? Is there any discomfort anywhere?”

 

“No.” Jiang Nan’an kept his head down, using his fingertips to smooth the wrinkled corner of the book page, seemingly trying to flatten it.

 

“Good. What would you like for lunch? I’ll make it for you.”

 

“Anything is fine.”

 

“Don’t say ‘anything is fine,’ tell me something specific.”

 

“…Zhajiang noodles.”

 

“Okay.” Yan Jie kissed his cheek again, then walked toward the kitchen.

 

“…”

 

Jiang Nan’an paused his movements and looked up at Yan Jie’s retreating figure.

 

Actually, he could hear that after what had just happened, Yan Jie’s tone when dealing with him had become much more cautious than before, as if he too were some fragile porcelain that might fall to the ground at any moment and shatter into pieces, just like the coffee cup earlier.

 

But originally, he didn’t need to be like this.

 

…Anyway, everything has its limits. Even if disappointment doesn’t make someone leave the first time, repeated occurrences will eventually exhaust their patience.

 

But…

 

Jiang Nan’an noticed that the bar counter was now empty. Fearing that seeing them might make him overthink, the watch and red envelope that had been placed aside had been quietly taken away by Yan Jie at some point.

 

Jiang Nan’an looked away.

 

The book page in his hand had finally been smoothed out after his repeated mechanical movements, but the creases on the paper were still so obvious that they would remain there forever.

 

Jiang Nan’an stared at it for a long time, finally pushed the book away, and slowly laid his head on the table.

 

He seemed extremely tired and, after a long while, let out a deep sigh.

 

–

 

After that day, Yan Jie never mentioned having Jiang Nan’an meet his parents again. The two lived their days peacefully. Yan Jie tidied up his studio and, as Jiang Nan’an wished, streamed three or four times a week downstairs, resolutely not giving up his career. The rest of the time he spent with Jiang Nan’an, cooking for him, accompanying him as he read books and selected scripts.

 

As for Qin Xueru and Yan Rulü, he coaxed them back home with various explanations. Fearing they might have negative feelings toward Jiang Nan’an, he specifically chose an afternoon to have a small meeting with them, explaining everything thoroughly before ending the meeting, booking tickets, and sending them back to Beijing.

 

This small episode quickly passed, with no one mentioning it again. Everything was as before, so calm it was as if nothing had happened, as if Jiang Nan’an’s sudden emotional breakdown that day had been just a dream they shared.

 

But Yan Jie knew it wasn’t.

 

Sometimes calmness can be an even more dangerous signal, because it means that some problems are hidden too deeply, too well-so well that they might never be discovered unless something goes wrong. But in places unknown, the wound might have already festered to the bone marrow, and only the person themselves knows just how painful it truly is.

 

Yan Jie had thought about trying to indirectly ask Jiang Nan’an some things, like what suddenly made him so upset and out of control, or what his words that day had reminded him of.

 

But he also felt that such matters couldn’t be rushed. After all, Jiang Nan’an was unwilling to let anyone know about his affairs, and he had always hidden these things well. If Yan Jie’s abrupt probing made him vigilant, things would only become more complicated.

 

Yan Jie felt that Jiang Nan’an liked him, and by now, perhaps even depended on him.

 

But for some reason, despite not knowing exactly what he wasn’t doing well enough, he still couldn’t establish sufficient security for Jiang Nan’an.

 

Yan Jie guessed this might be related to the secrets Jiang Nan’an had been hiding. He needed to make Jiang Nan’an completely believe that he would never leave no matter what, in order to give Jiang Nan’an a sense of security. But at the same time, Jiang Nan’an was always afraid that Yan Jie would leave after knowing, so he hid those things deeper and deeper, not mentioning a word.

 

It was a vicious cycle.

 

Yan Jie felt this couldn’t continue, because Jiang Nan’an’s emotional breakdown made him realize that Jiang Nan’an’s issues might be much, much more serious than he had originally guessed.

 

He might not be able to wait until the day Jiang Nan’an was willing to open up to him voluntarily. He planned to find time to have a good talk with Qi Hong, but she had been busy fighting with the people from Qijiang online and really couldn’t spare the time.

 

And just when things finally quieted down a bit online, something came up for Yan Jie.

 

Yan Rulü had planned to take Qin Xueru on vacation, but there was a relatively important project at the family company that needed someone to oversee. After considering various options, they couldn’t find a suitable person, so they temporarily called Yan Jie back to Beijing to watch over it for a couple of days.

 

His own parents, his own company, his own money-Yan Jie certainly couldn’t refuse, so he had to leave promptly.

 

He had originally wanted to go back with Jiang Nan’an, taking the opportunity to show him around Beijing, but Jiang Nan’an was unwilling.

 

This was within Yan Jie’s expectations, after all, this young man didn’t particularly like going out. Compared to following him around everywhere, staying at home reading books was clearly more comfortable for him.

 

The day Yan Jie left Shanghai for Beijing, Jiang Nan’an saw him off to the airport.

 

But Jiang Nan’an couldn’t drive, and it wasn’t good for him to appear in places with high foot traffic, so he could only sit in Yan Jie’s car to the terminal entrance, watch him wave and walk in until he couldn’t see even a trace of his shadow, before taking a taxi home.

 

It was July, officially entering summer. The weather was stuffy and hot, the sauna-like temperature mixed with cicada chirps, making people feel anxious.

 

The taxi driver dropped Jiang Nan’an off at the entrance of the residential complex.

 

Taxi drivers meet many passengers in a day, and today’s was a bit special. Although he was wearing sunglasses and his face wasn’t fully visible, the driver secretly glanced at him several times during the journey, feeling that this passenger looked familiar, as if he had seen him somewhere before.

 

The driver thought about it the whole way, and when the passenger got out and left, he still craned his neck to look back, unable to recall exactly what was familiar about him. But his sharp eyes noticed that he had left something behind:

 

“Hey, young man, you left something.”

 

Jiang Nan’an had already turned around and was about to close the door and leave, but hearing this, he looked back and saw a small pink wallet on the seat.

 

“It’s not mine,” he replied.

 

“Huh? Not yours? Are you sure?”

 

“Mm.”

 

“Oh, it might have been left by the previous young lady. She was rushing to catch a flight, I hope she didn’t leave anything important… Well, sorry to bother you.”

 

Jiang Nan’an acknowledged with a sound, didn’t think much of it, and closed the car door.

 

The taxi slowly started and merged into traffic. Jiang Nan’an looked away, about to turn and enter the residential complex, but the next second, as if suddenly realizing something, his entire body momentarily stiffened.

 

After a moment, realizing what his gaze had caught, his breath stalled, and he slowly raised his eyes to look across the road.

 

Through the passing vehicles, he saw a black sedan parked on the other side of the street.

 

The rear window of the sedan was half open, and Jiang Nan’an’s eyes met a pair of turbid, sinister eyes.

 

The feeling was like a hyena lurking in the darkness, staring at him intently, maliciously licking its blood-stained fangs.

 

Even though it was the bright sunshine of July summer, Jiang Nan’an felt as if he had fallen into the depths of winter, a chill instantly running from the soles of his feet to the top of his head.

 

His entire body began to tremble uncontrollably, even his breathing lost its rhythm. Things he thought were far away from him suddenly drew near, reminding him that they had never really gone.

 

But all of this lasted only a moment.

 

Cars came and went on the road. By the time Jiang Nan’an emerged from his emotions, the car’s window had already closed. It soon signaled and merged into traffic, as if everything just now had been merely Jiang Nan’an’s illusion.

 

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