YPHC Chapter 85

Jiang Nan’an liked being intimate with Yan Jie.

 

He liked Yan Jie’s heartbeat, liked Yan Jie’s warmth, liked Yan Jie’s scent, liked Yan Jie holding him tightly, liked when Yan Jie, overcome with emotion, called his name in a hoarse voice and told him he loved him.

 

At times like these, he could feel that he was loved, needed. He could feel that he and Yan Jie were very close, so close that they would never separate, as if Yan Jie would never leave.

 

All night he repeatedly sank into this feeling, the voids from half a month of solitary fear seemingly filled completely. At least for this night, he feared nothing, thought of nothing; he could only feel Yan Jie.

 

Emotion and desire controlled his entirety. He lost his mind in lovemaking far more intense than ever before, like a tree about to break in a typhoon, like a fish stranded on the beach.

 

What is life, what is reason, what is fear, and what is love?

 

He seemed to have found his answer, but it was like holding a handful of fine sand-the tighter he tried to grasp it, the faster it slipped away.

 

Jiang Nan’an thought that he and Yan Jie had probably both gone mad.

 

In one night, they made love five times intermittently, as if neither could feel tired.

 

They didn’t even need to communicate; just one look, one kiss could initiate all the wild sensations, recklessly giving their all to each other, expressing love to the extreme through sweat and movement, wishing they could tear out their hearts to show each other the rhythm of their heartbeats.

 

Toward the end, even protection was cast aside, and they finally achieved “intimacy” in every sense, with nothing between them but each other.

 

Jiang Nan’an had exhausted all his energy in the love he desired, his waist sore, numb, and weak, difficult to move even slightly.

 

The gauze curtains of the bedroom let in a light blue glow; dawn had broken.

 

Jiang Nan’an looked at that pale blue, somewhat lost in thought.

 

Yan Jie massaged his waist, lowering his head to kiss his cheek:

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

“Wondering what the meaning of living is.” Jiang Nan’an’s voice was hoarse and very soft.

 

“Have you figured it out?”

 

“…” Jiang Nan’an seemed to laugh very lightly, slowly shook his head, paused, then said:

 

“How is Sister Hong doing?”

 

“Fine, I told her you’re okay.”

 

“…I suddenly posted those photos yesterday, I must have scared her, right?”

 

“A bit.”

 

“I just didn’t want… didn’t want to… I wanted to handle those things alone, I…”

 

“I know, I know, baby, you’re very brave.”

 

Sensing his unease, Yan Jie patted him gently in comfort:

 

“Not everyone has the courage to actively show those things to everyone. You did amazingly well. Just one thing, perhaps in the future, you could tell me before making decisions. You’re not alone, you have me. We can discuss together, face things together, solve problems together, right?”

 

He pulled Jiang Nan’an into his arms:

 

“Trust me, I won’t leave, Nan Nan.”

 

“…” Jiang Nan’an silently nuzzled against his neck.

 

He was truly exhausted.

 

In the previous days, he hadn’t dared to close his eyes, hadn’t dared to sleep, so he kept drinking coffee and energy drinks to force himself to stay awake. But now, smelling Yan Jie’s scent, he rarely felt a bit of security, and the drowsiness washing over him didn’t seem so frightening, so difficult to accept anymore.

 

Jiang Nan’an gently closed his eyes and called softly: “…Yan Jie.”

 

“Mm, I’m here.”

 

“After we wake up, will you go somewhere with me?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Yan Jie kissed the top of his head:

 

“Forget about mountains of knives and seas of fire, even the Bridge of Helplessness-accompanying you for a journey is no big deal.”

 

Jiang Nan’an sighed slightly, found a comfortable position, and completely closed his eyes.

 

“You’re exhausted, baby, sleep.”

 

He heard Yan Jie’s voice right by his ear, very close, very gentle, very reassuring:

 

“Don’t be afraid, I’m here.”

 

–

 

Jiang Nan’an couldn’t remember the last time he had a complete sleep. These days, he was always awakened by various nightmares, and after waking, he dared not sleep again. When he really couldn’t hold on, he would take two sleeping pills, trying to numb himself with medication, but the effect was minimal. He would still see those frightening eyes in his dreams, and so the vicious cycle continued.

 

But today, he had a rare good sleep.

 

He seemed to have dreamed of something, but had already forgotten it by the moment he opened his eyes.

 

But he thought it must have been a very peaceful scene-tree branches swaying in the wind, and a gentle voice drifting toward him with the breeze. He couldn’t remember exactly what was said, he only remembered the dry, slightly bitter smell of sunlight on plants.

 

“…He’s not in good condition, he needs time. It’s not a big deal, but he can’t handle these things right now. Yes, he said he wants me to accompany him on a trip, so let’s discuss any matters after we return. Alright, thank you for your help these two days.”

 

Yan Jie sat in a chair on the balcony making a phone call, his fingers playing with the leaves of a small potted tree:

 

“By the way, has that Lin guy been found? What exactly is he up to?”

 

Qi Hong sighed on the phone: “We’ve contacted him, he’s a shameless one, saying he wants money, that he’ll listen to whoever pays more… I’m thinking maybe we should just let this go, buy an apology letter from him for spreading rumors, give him a million or so yuan, and consider it money spent to avoid disaster.”

 

“That won’t work. With this kind of person, if you give in once, there will be a second time. It’s a bottomless pit that can’t be filled. Besides, after what he did to Jiang Nan’an, should we really let him get what he wants and live comfortably with the money? I don’t want that.” Yan Jie snorted lightly.

 

“Then what do you want to do?”

 

This kind of matter couldn’t be discussed directly with Jiang Nan’an himself. Anyway, Yan Jie was now practically Jiang Nan’an’s family, and he had background, capability, and ideas, and truly wanted the best for Jiang Nan’an. So now Qi Hong was quite willing to ask for his opinion before solving problems, to discuss matters with him.

 

“I don’t know yet, let me think about it. But we can’t let him off so easily. Damn it, putting my Teacher Jiang in this state… Also, whoever dug up this scoundrel, those people who plotted against him, none of them should get away with it.”

 

Yan Jie picked up a spray bottle to mist the potted plant and sighed:

 

“Let’s leave it at that for now. I’ll think of something. Thank you for handling the online public opinion recently, I appreciate it.”

 

“It’s nothing, it’s what I should do.” Qi Hong also sighed:

 

“You… take good care of him.”

 

“Mm, I will.”

 

Yan Jie hung up the phone, stood up from the rattan chair, pushed open the glass door of the balcony, lifted the gauze curtain, and walked into the bedroom. He found Jiang Nan’an already awake, eyes half-open, watching the end of the gauze curtain gently swaying in the breeze.

 

“Awake, baby?”

 

Yan Jie immediately put on a smile and went over to stroke his hair:

 

“What would you like to eat?”

 

Jiang Nan’an looked at him without answering, only asking: “Were you on the phone just now?”

 

“Yeah, just chatting with a friend.”

 

“Mm…”

 

Jiang Nan’an propped himself up to sit, lowered his head and remained quiet for a moment, then gently held Yan Jie’s hand:

 

“Shall we go?”

 

“Go where?”

 

“…” Jiang Nan’an took a deep breath, as if he needed a long time to compose himself before calmly saying those few words:

 

“Qinxi, Xizhou Mountain.”

 

Yan Jie was stunned.

 

He remembered that Lin Disheng’s blog post had mentioned Xiaoer Stone Village in Xizhou Mountain as the place where Jiang Nan’an was born.

 

He went over and hugged Jiang Nan’an:

 

“What’s wrong? Nan Nan, why do you want to go there? Can you tell me?”

 

“…” Jiang Nan’an slowly curled his fingers, as if struggling for a long time before speaking:

 

“Do you want to know what A-Shu was like? Not just what he said on Weibo. I haven’t told anyone these things, but if, if you want…”

 

“I want to.” Yan Jie didn’t wait for him to finish and gave him a firm answer:

 

“Tell me.”

 

On the day he officially became “Jiang Nan’an,” both Wei Yinghua and Qi Hong told him that the past was over, and from that day forward, what awaited him was a new way of life, a new life.

 

So for seven years, Jiang Nan’an had deliberately separated “A-Shu” from “Jiang Nan’an.” Everything related to A-Shu was locked in a small box in his heart, known to very few people, never mentioned by anyone, never seen by anyone.

 

A-Shu from Xiaoer Stone Village in Xizhou Mountain had become like a dream from the last century for Jiang Nan’an. He had thought that perhaps he could truly let go and forget those things, but sometimes life is so dramatic and sudden-the nightmare that had haunted him for more than a decade suddenly entangled him again one day, tearing open what he most wanted to hide for everyone to see.

 

Jiang Nan’an accepted it.

 

After all, he was the one who had concealed and deceived first. Now that it was being announced to the world, he had no reason to feel angry or wronged.

 

He had never intended to deny those more than ten years as “A-Shu.”

 

But he had experienced genuine love, so he absolutely could not accept that person using the word “love” toward him.

 

Regarding the scars on his body, Jiang Nan’an didn’t really care, so he didn’t mind posting them for everyone to see.

 

It wasn’t to make people pity him, nor to justify anything for himself. He just wanted to help “A-Shu” escape from that person’s textual accusations, to become more flesh and blood, more complete.

 

If he had already been exposed, then he might as well present himself fully to everyone.

 

After all, things had already come to this.

 

But Yan Jie was different.

 

Yan Jie didn’t understand him, didn’t know his past as A-Shu, yet still chose to get close to him despite his warnings.

 

Jiang Nan’an had originally thought it didn’t matter, since he had said what needed to be said and done what needed to be done. He had fulfilled his obligation, so even if Yan Jie found out later and regretted it, he couldn’t blame Jiang Nan’an.

 

He originally didn’t need to bear any burden.

 

But somehow, at some point, he still became so afraid, so afraid of Yan Jie knowing all this.

 

Afraid that Yan Jie would discover he wasn’t what he had imagined, afraid that Yan Jie would learn how unworthy he had once been, afraid that Yan Jie would find out that a large part of the “Jiang Nan’an” he knew was just packaging and lies.

 

It was like a beautiful filled candy-he was attracted by its appearance and exterior, went to great lengths to finally obtain it, only to peel off the wrapper and put it in his mouth to discover that only the surface layer of the candy was sweet, while the rest tasted nauseatingly bitter.

 

So what will be the fate of this candy?

 

Probably to be disgustedly spat into the trash bin and discarded. Before leaving, perhaps with a self-mocking comment about being blind.

 

Therefore, the better Yan Jie treated him, the more he loved him, the more afraid Jiang Nan’an became.

 

Afraid that Yan Jie couldn’t accept it, afraid that Yan Jie would be disappointed in him, afraid that Yan Jie would look at him with disappointed and disgusted eyes, then turn around and leave, disappearing from his life.

 

Yan Jie was so good.

 

He had an enviable background and appearance, a likable personality, a brilliant life. Compared to him, Jiang Nan’an was like a little mouse crawling out of a sewer, purely lucky to have everything he had today.

 

He felt he truly didn’t deserve Yan Jie’s wholehearted treatment, but he couldn’t drive him away, nor could he let go.

 

If Yan Jie really loved him…

 

If Yan Jie really wanted to know, then why not take him to that place, and tell the story more completely.

 

…After all, things had already come to this.

 

When Jiang Nan’an woke up, it was already afternoon. They didn’t waste much time, and after eating at home, they drove to Xizhou Mountain.

 

Yan Jie switched to an SUV and drove along the national highway toward Qinxi.

 

Shanghai wasn’t particularly far from Qinxi, about a dozen hours’ drive in total. They reached Qinxi territory the next day, rested for a night in a town near Xizhou Mountain, and set off into the mountains on the third day.

 

The mountain roads were difficult to navigate, and even GPS wasn’t very helpful. They relied entirely on Jiang Nan’an’s directions along the way.

 

Halfway up the mountain road, the car could go no further. Jiang Nan’an had Yan Jie park the car, and they got out to walk, following the dirt road for more than two hours before seeing the village called “Xiaoer Shi.”

 

The village was of medium size. At a glance, there were dilapidated mud houses and uneven muddy roads, just like the poverty described in realistic literature of the ’80s and ’90s.

 

Someone’s dog was dozing by the roadside and showed little reaction to strangers, just lazily wagging its tail a couple of times.

 

At the village entrance, a man in his sixties wearing an undershirt was lying on a chair enjoying the cool air. When he saw Jiang Nan’an, he seemed to widen his eyes, and Jiang Nan’an exchanged a glance with him, said nothing, and just calmly averted his gaze.

 

Yan Jie walked beside Jiang Nan’an, unable to resist looking around.

 

Over the years, he had been to many places and met many people, but he seemed to have never seen such a backward and remote mountain village.

 

Yet this was where Jiang Nan’an had once grown up, where perhaps every inch of soil bore his footprints.

 

Their journey from driving to walking, making their way into the mountains, had already been difficult. One could imagine how much harder it would be for people inside to get out.

 

But a teenager had bravely run away ten years ago, step by step. He succeeded and saw a new world from then on.

 

Yan Jie’s feelings were complex. He wanted to say something but didn’t know how to begin, so he tightened his grip on Jiang Nan’an’s hand.

 

After a brief daze, Jiang Nan’an lowered his eyes and clasped Yan Jie’s fingers.

 

After ten years, Jiang Nan’an stood on this land again, finding that everything here seemed almost the same as in his memories, to the extent that he knew where each road led.

 

He returned here but didn’t look for anyone or push open the door of any house.

 

He just followed the path in his memory, leading Yan Jie up a small hill.

 

On that hill stood a solitary old elm tree with a sturdy trunk and lush branches.

 

Seeing that tree, Jiang Nan’an released Yan Jie’s hand, walked over, and raised his hand to touch the rough texture of the trunk.

 

He took a deep breath, feeling strength slowly drain from his body.

 

He slowly knelt on the ground, lowered his head, pressed his forehead against the trunk, his eyelashes drooping, covering the expression in his eyes.

 

“…Your name is too ugly.”

 

The voice came through memories, overlapping with the “rustle” of the wind blowing through the leaves.

 

Jiang Nan’an closed his eyes.

 

As if hearing that person’s somewhat cold voice again:

 

“I’ll call you A-Shu.”

 

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